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 How exactly do you go about forgiving? This is the problem faced by many people when dealing with infidelity. We are raised on the premise that forgiveness sets you free, that it is the gift you give yourself, but nobody actually ever tells you how you go about doing that.
Until now that is.
Janis Abrahams Spring is an American clinical psychologist and is an acclaimed expert in the areas of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. Her book "How can I forgive you : The courage to forgive, the freedom not to" is a breath of fresh air in a field of publishing which can be full of hot air. The book is, so far as this reader is concerned, 270 pages of pure gold.
Many books on the topic of infidelity recovery stress the need for the betrayed partner to forgive the wayward spouse. It is almost a mantra amongst the psychological community. Unfortunately, the problem for many betrayed spouses is that they do not know how to forgive or if they even should forgive in the first place. Many are also concerned that if they do forgive, they will be letting the betraying partner "off the hook" and potentially giving them carte blanche to repeat their actions. The problem is, as Ms Abrahms Spring points out, with our concept of forgiveness, what it is and how it is obtained. In the Judeo Christian model forgivenessis a saintly act, something that is given in love (even to your most bitter enemy) unasked for, with no payment or reparation required. It is a one sided act, originating wholly from within the betrayed. Spring successfully challenges the cultural obligation of a hurt party to forgive even the most unapologetic transgressor for the sake of their own moral, spiritual, psychological and even physiological well being. Persuasively, she argues that meaningful forgiveness, an inherently relational process, is predicated upon the offender earning his or her forgiveness from the offended. The book is divided into four extremely well written sections. Each section explores a different forgiveness strategy seen in her practice. In section one she explores the concept of cheap forgiveness, a process she considers an unsatisfactory and inauthentic act of peace keeping whereby the injured party fails to explore the depth of their hurt and the offender fails to participate in the recovery process. Spring considers this reaction to be born out of a fear of rejection and a need for self protection. Section two |
