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Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain than the revelation of the affair itself. So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? quite alot actually...
Bouncing back and forward between the betrayed and the other person is incredibly common. Though it might not look like it, he is not doing this just to drive you completely insane. An affair is a narcotic make no mistake, and it clouds the mind in just the same way. D-day was most likley the first time even a thin sliver of reality broke through the affair fog. It is an uncomfortable experience for the wayward spouse and sets up competing loyalties which can be very hard for him to resolve. While you might feel disempowered you actually arent. The first thing you need to decide is do you want to try and save the marriage. If the answer is yes then buckle up, you will be in for quite ride. There are a few different approaches for reengaging the wayward spouse in the marriage. Marriagebuilders promote the Plan A/Plan B approach. Something like a carrot and a stick approach. The strategy is explained in Willard Harley's book His Needs Her Needs. Plan A involves making overt efforts to meet the needs the wayward spouse is having met elsewhere and making the marriage a warm and inviting place to be, a direct competition to the affair bubble. If Plan A fails then it is suggested you move to Plan B which is the stick part. It involves essentially going dark on the wayward spouse until such times as they have cut of contact with OP and are ready to dedicate themselves to rebuilding the relationship. Obviously neither plan are without cost or risks. Some wayward spouses do not return during plan B, and some betrayed spouses cannot keep up plan A for long given the pain of betrayal. Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is a combination of both Plan A and Plan B. Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include; 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless. References: Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers |
